Ho ho ho
Watched TAR last night and then I took a bath. Read a junky book in the tub. Went back downstairs to say goodnight; he was watching an astronomy show. Watched with him for awhile and chatted. Since I'm going to work early tomorrow (today), he asked me not to wake him up when I go. He took the day off to 'babysit.' Everything was normal.
Went to bed and worked on a crossword till I fell asleep, around 11. At 3 I woke up for some reason. As I was drifting back off I hear roaring from downstairs. I go down, making sure he knows I'm coming, calling, "Are you ok?" He's in the kitchen. We hug and he assures me he's all right.
He's drunk. And he's angry. Of course, because the second always happens when the first does.
I say, "What's wrong?" He keeps saying he's fine, until finally I ask why he was yelling. He steps back and glares at me and says, "My fucking counter's broken." What counter?? I'm too bleary to know what he's talking about. He picks it up and throws it across the kitchen.
I say, "OK!" and start turning to go back to bed. He says, "Good ni-i-ight!" with the implication that I'm walking out on him. I turn and say, "I'm sorry, good night. I'm going back to sleep."
Wait. No response. He goes toward the bathroom. I go upstairs. Not to sleep, to wait. I hear him sit back down in his recliner. The volume of the TV goes up. I lie still, my brain rushing around my head. I think about how scared he makes me. I think about Al-Anon and AA. I think about attorneys I know, and reject them all. I think, "No. No more. No more. No more." Over and over. I think about my EAP at work. I think and think and think until I hear the recliner shift again.
I roll over as if I'm asleep. Sure enough, he comes to bed. It's 3:45 He isn't drunk enough to fall into bed, but he goes right to sleep. Or passes out. Whatever.
I lie there. I wait for morning. My alarm is set for 5:30, but by 4:55 I'm crawling out of my skin with thoughts. What am I going to do? I have to get him to stop, or get him out of the house. What about our minister? Can I trust him? I get up and dress for work, leave a note on the inside of my kid's bedroom door asking him (the boy) to call me when he gets up. I pack up my stuff for work and leave.
He won't get up until after 8, at the earliest, unless the kid wakes him. If he is awakened, he will yell at the kid. The kid won't know why. It will be a shit day for him.
What am I doing to my kid by not handling this differently? Better, really. What am I doing to myself? What about our marriage? I love him when he's sober, most of the time. As soon as he drinks, even just one drink, I get twitchy. We talk and talk about it, and still he does this.
Help.
Went to bed and worked on a crossword till I fell asleep, around 11. At 3 I woke up for some reason. As I was drifting back off I hear roaring from downstairs. I go down, making sure he knows I'm coming, calling, "Are you ok?" He's in the kitchen. We hug and he assures me he's all right.
He's drunk. And he's angry. Of course, because the second always happens when the first does.
I say, "What's wrong?" He keeps saying he's fine, until finally I ask why he was yelling. He steps back and glares at me and says, "My fucking counter's broken." What counter?? I'm too bleary to know what he's talking about. He picks it up and throws it across the kitchen.
I say, "OK!" and start turning to go back to bed. He says, "Good ni-i-ight!" with the implication that I'm walking out on him. I turn and say, "I'm sorry, good night. I'm going back to sleep."
Wait. No response. He goes toward the bathroom. I go upstairs. Not to sleep, to wait. I hear him sit back down in his recliner. The volume of the TV goes up. I lie still, my brain rushing around my head. I think about how scared he makes me. I think about Al-Anon and AA. I think about attorneys I know, and reject them all. I think, "No. No more. No more. No more." Over and over. I think about my EAP at work. I think and think and think until I hear the recliner shift again.
I roll over as if I'm asleep. Sure enough, he comes to bed. It's 3:45 He isn't drunk enough to fall into bed, but he goes right to sleep. Or passes out. Whatever.
I lie there. I wait for morning. My alarm is set for 5:30, but by 4:55 I'm crawling out of my skin with thoughts. What am I going to do? I have to get him to stop, or get him out of the house. What about our minister? Can I trust him? I get up and dress for work, leave a note on the inside of my kid's bedroom door asking him (the boy) to call me when he gets up. I pack up my stuff for work and leave.
He won't get up until after 8, at the earliest, unless the kid wakes him. If he is awakened, he will yell at the kid. The kid won't know why. It will be a shit day for him.
What am I doing to my kid by not handling this differently? Better, really. What am I doing to myself? What about our marriage? I love him when he's sober, most of the time. As soon as he drinks, even just one drink, I get twitchy. We talk and talk about it, and still he does this.
Help.
posted by Cat. at 4:06 AM
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